• Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you." • When does a person decide to become an accountant? When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker. • There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can't. • What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion? Jail. • What's the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. • Why did the auditor cross the road? Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year. • Taxes: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an automatic extension. • If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say? "Darling, could you tell me about your work." • A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live." The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant." "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
• What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality. • What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? The accountant knows he is boring. • How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way. • What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation. • How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft? When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No • When do accountants laugh out loud? When somebody asks for a raise. • What does CPA stand for? Can't Produce Anything. • How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb? How many did it take last year? • How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to check it was done within budget. • How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb? Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you.
• Laws of Accounting 1. Trial balances don't 2. Bank reconciliations never do 3. Working Capital does not 4. Return on Investments never will
• A fool and his money are soon audited • Accounting will prove anything. Even the truth. • Accountants carry their calculations to two decimal points just to prove they have a marvelous sense of humor. • My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it's flat on it's back. • My accountant printed this year's balance sheet in color - red. • Accountants aren't boring people. They just get excited over boring things. • A fellow walks into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something? " "No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone." • The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?" • Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child: "No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible, but I like your thinking". • Wife to husband as they watch their young son playing: "He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant." • "The auditors have just left, sir." "Did they check the books?" "Very thoroughly." "What did they say?" "They want 15% to keep quiet." • The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. "This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart." The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?" "One was a teacher and the other was an accountant." "I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used." • An accountant is talking to the young child of one of his friends and says, "Do you know what I do?' "Daddy says you're a CPA." "That's right. • Did he tell you what CPA stands for?" "Well, he says you're a complete pain in the arse." • An Arthur Anderson partner comes back to his office and says to his manager, "Did you get my message where I said, 'Ship the Enron documents to the Feds'?" The manager goes white. "Oh My God! I thought you said rip the Enron documents to shreds."
Yahoo! News: Business
Wed, 27 Aug 2008 23:20:05 GMT
Reuters - Fannie Mae , the biggest U.S.
mortgage finance company, on Wednesday announced a shake-up of
top executives, including the exit of its chief financial
officer, in an effort to better implement a plan to preserve
capital and cut losses.
Reuters - The Federal Reserve must be "very
vigilant" amid strained financial markets while exercising
patience over interest rates as it waits for inflation to ease,
a top Fed policy-maker said on Wednesday.
Copyright (c) 2008 Yahoo! Inc. All rights reserved.
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• Why did the bee cross his legs? Because he couldn't find the BP station. • Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the bejebers out of their dogs! • What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. • How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change. • How does it change many dyslexics to take a light bulb? • If the opposite of PRO is CON, then is the opposite of progress CONgress? • What did one frog say to the other? 'Time's sure fun when you're having flies!'
JokeCat believes that while stock brokers and investment advisers are competent in many areas, picking stock winners is not one of those areas. He feels an S & P 500 index fund along with a total market bond fund covers most investors needs. JokeCat is not affiliated with Vanguard, though he recommends them.
Vanguard: Investing and personal finance news
Aug 27, 2008 11:41AM
There are several factors that determine the actual cost you will pay for college, and that cost may be less than what's on the price tag.
The Vanguard Group
Not many people know that Tiger Woods owns a yacht. Ever since the golfer Greg Norman got his big yacht, people around the world have marveled at how big it is. Well, Tiger Woods earned a lot more money playing golf than Greg Norman, and he invested it in all the right places so he too could have a yacht. Recently, Tiger withdrew some of his money and bought a yacht. He had it decked out to his specifications, with all the things he wanted on a yacht. He secretly did all of this until the yacht was ready to set sail. A photographer on assignment to photograph sea turtles in the ocean happened upon the yacht during it's initial shakedown cruise, and got the very first photo of Tiger Woods yacht. This is Tiger's new yacht.
What's the difference between death and taxes? Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.
A mugger stops a guy on the street at gunpoint. "Give me all your money", he says. The muggee is indignant. "You can't do this," he yells. "I'm an IRS agent. "In that case," says the mugger, "give me all MY money."
It's Halloween and when the man answers his door, there's a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says "Trick or treat". The man's a bit confused so he asks the boy what he's dressed up as. "I'm an IRS agent", says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.
An IRS agent is lying on his psychiatrist's couch bemoaning the fact that everyone in the world hates him. "Nonsense", says his doctor. "Everyone in the world doesn't hate you. Everyone in the United States, perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."
An accountant is walking along the beach (also, not the joke) and he finds an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it and of course, a genie appears. The genie says "I am the most powerful genie that has ever lived. I can do great and wonderful things and I can grant you your dearest wish. But only one." Well, this accountant is a deeply caring individual. He pulls out a map of the Mediterranean area and says, "My dearest wish is that you solve the Arab-Israeli conflict in the Middle East. The genie strokes his beard and looks worried. "Oh dear, " he says , staring at the map. "That's a tough one. Those people have been fighting for eons. No one has been able to come up with a successful solution. I'm not sure if I could do any better. You should probably make another wish." The accountant is understanding and says, "All right. Listen, the IRS has asked me to re-design their 1040 form so that everyone can understand it. Can you help me with that?" There's a long silence and finally the genie says, "Let's have another look at that map."
A quote from Albert Einstein: "The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax."
The Tax Tips Blog - Answers to your Federal tax questions
The required minimum distributions rules for Individual Retirement Accounts (IRAs) rely on IRS provided tables that use standardized life expectancies based upon your age. When using their tables (IRS tables) you use your age as of the end of the year to which the distribution applies, and the Fair Market Value of all your IRAs as of the beginning of the year.
CCH has an easy to use calculator here: RMD When using their calculator, you should enter your beneficiaries age if you have one. Because of the distribution rules that cover what to do when you don't have beneficiary, I recommend that you do have a beneficiary.
People claimed on another's return do not qualify for the Stimulus Rebate. When deciding if parents should claim their child for one last year, the Stimulus Rebate should be considered. There are no age limits on the Rebate that I am aware of. We often compare the total tax a family would pay two ways. With them claiming their child and without them claiming the child. This often occurs when children are of college age. The potential $600 that they could get, if they have enough income, should be considered when figuring who should claim the child, MAYBE.
Part of my uncertainty here is caused by what I call the 2008 Make Up filing. I expect that those who missed out on this May's payment will still have chance at getting it later. According to the IRS, "If you're not eligible this year but you become eligible next year, you can claim the economic stimulus payment next year on your 2008 tax return."
So, if a child aged 18 is claimed by their parents for 2007, can they next year when filing their 2008 return, in effect claim that they are entitled to their $600, because they actually claimed themselves on their 2008 return, the period to which the Stimulus Rebate is tied to? If this is allowed, the parents can benefit from claiming them for one more year, and they can get the rebate. This is different than the rule that says, dependents can't get the rebate. I am not offering an opinion about whether this will be possible? I am asking for my readers comments on it.
auditinprogress: Top 10 Pick-Up Lines of Accountants - David Letterman 10.?You?ve got a lovely pair of W-2?s.? 9.?Please, baby, let me withhold you.? 8.?Technically, having sex with me is a charitable gift.? 7.?In my office, ?I.R.S.? stands for ?I?m really sexy.? ? 6.?If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?? 5.?You?re entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income?now let?s do it.? 4.?Let?s fill out a 1040 ? you?re a 10, and I?m 40.? 3.?You?re the kind of girl I c
Have a look at the other pages of this site. Jokes about Norwegians, Libertarians, Accountants, and the WarCraft and RuneScape games are on JokeCat’s pages. Various other humor and games are here too. JokeCat thanks you for visiting these pages, and would appreciate your feed back and anything funny you have to contribute. Keep smiling. Email@JokeCat.com
A mildly amusing video about filing taxes from YouTube. There doesn't seem to be a lot of accounting humor videos out there
model rocket designers manual
Centuri was The Estes company's competitor and now appears to be out of business. JokeCat appreciates the educational benefits of model rocketry and also thinks it's just plain fun.
Obtaining tax relief really can be as easy as retaining the services of a tax negotiator. That may sound like an oversimplification of a difficult problem ..
IRS tax lien removal is possible even before the tax is paid. This is a fact that most people don't know, because they view the lien as being completely ..
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Lone Watie: We thought about it for a long time, "Endeavor to persevere." And when we had thought about it long enough, we declared war on the Union.
Lone Watie: I didn't surrender, but they took my horse and made him surrender. They have him pulling a wagon up in Kansas I bet.
Josey Wales: You a bounty hunter? Bounty Hunter: A man has to do something these days to earn a living. Josey Wales: Dyin' ain't much of a living boy.
Laura Lee: Kansas was all golden and smelled like sunshine. Josey Wales: Yeah, well, I always heard there were three kinds of suns in Kansas, sunshine, sunflowers, and sons-of-bitches.
What does accounting have to do with Clint Eastwood? If you think of a good answer, email JokeCat with it.
A city boy and two farm boys were driving across the desert when their car broke down. They decided there was no hope of either getting it started or of being rescued. So they decided they had to walk out.
The first farm boy told the others he was going to bring along some water for their trek out in case they got thirsty. The second farm boy told the other two that he would bring some food along in case they got hungry. The city boy told the others he was going to bring a car door along. When they asked why he said, if they got too hot, he could roll the window down.
Why was Cinderella kicked off of the basketball team?
Because she ran away from the ball!
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?" The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two times."
JokeCat is not sure exactly how it works, but it is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture. The picture has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress level at St. Brenda's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress. Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences, you may want to take a vacation.
Methodists More humor having nothing to do with accounting (we hope) comes from the movie Blazing Saddles. JokeCat's grandparents were Methodists, so he feels he can poke a little fun at himself, and this is one of the all time best movie scenes:
Taggart: What do you want me to do sir? Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up ever vicious criminal and gun slinger in the west. Take this down. [Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks] Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, spit-kickers and Methodists. Taggart: [finding pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?
Why did the accountant cross the road? To bore the people on the other side.
An accountant dies and goes to heaven (no, that's not the joke). St. Peter, of course, is there, looking through the files and asking a few quick questions. "What sort of accountant were you?" "Oh, I was a CPA", was the reply. "Name?" asks St. Pete. The accountant gives his name and St. Peter finds his file. "Oh yes, we've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted time span." The accountant says, "I don't get it. How can that be? I'm only 48 years old." Pete looks again at the file and says, "Well, that's impossible." "Why do you say that?" asks the accountant. "Well," says St. Peter, "we've been looking over your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning, you must be at least 93 years old!"
An accountant and a lawyer were laying on a beach in Hawaii sipping mai tai's. The lawyer started telling the accountant how he came to be there. " I had this downtown property in Memphis that caught fire and after the insurance paid off, I came here." The accountant said, "I had a downtown property, too, in Miami. It got flooded so here I am with the insurance proceeds." The lawyer took another sip of his mai tai, and then asked in a puzzled voice, "How do you start a flood?"
Under the Freedom of Information Act, a man with a small business sent a request to the IRS asking if they had a file on him. The IRS wrote back, “There is now.”
Quote: “Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.”
Quote: “It would be nice if we could all pay our taxes with a smile, but normally cash is required.”
Q. What did God say when he created accountants? A. Go figure.
Q. How can you tell the difference between an actuary and an accountant? A. The actuary is the one with a personality.
Q. What does an actuary do to liven up a party? A. He invites an accountant.
Q. What does CPA stand for? A. Can't Pass Again.
Q. What is the difference between a football and Accountant? A. The football goes farther when you kick it.
Q. Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and an honest accountant are locked in an office with a bag full of cash: $1,000,000 in small bills. What happens? A. Nothing, they are all fictional characters!
Q. What do you call 1,000 accountants on the bottom of the ocean? A. A good start.
Q: Why are they putting the accountants at the bottom of the ocean? A: They found out that deep down they're really not so bad.
